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Conflict isn’t good for you. And it seems like it often comes when you can least afford it in terms of mindset and energy. Disputes at work or in your home can make you feel tired, worn-out and low. To settle an argument to mutual satisfaction, you’ve got to keep your cool and refrain from making hasty judgments or taking actions prematurely.
If you’re hoping to get better at keeping your head in an argument and resolving conflicts amicably, read these tips for staying calm and managing disputes in a healthy manner.
Get Training
If you find yourself in a career that requires lots of negotiation, or if you realize that you don’t handle conflict as well as you’d like, it may be worth your while to take courses on how to manage conflict within yourself, a group, and external forces. Your training could range from Saturday morning workshops at your local community center to full-on university programs, such as a master’s in negotiation and dispute resolution. Just as taking classes in dancing helps you fine-tune your motor skills beyond walking, taking courses in conflict resolution will help you fine-tune your reactions and decision-making when in a hot situation. This in turn will make you feel calmer under pressure and more confident of your ability to defuse potentially volatile situations.
Get Lots of Rest
Arguments are all about action and reaction, so it might seem counter-intuitive to settle disputes by resting, but it’s true that our bodies and minds select naturally less aggressive methods when we are well-rested. If you are someone who is often quick to anger, make rest and relaxation a priority for a few weeks and see if you notice any difference in your mood and reactions.
Understand Your Triggers
Each person has at least one “trigger,” a situation or topic that heightens emotion to the point where the actual goal of your meeting or discussion is set aside in favor of the perceived insult or injustice brought on by the trigger. For healthy conflict resolution, you’ll need to start looking at other people’s triggers, but you’ll also want to do some deep searching for your own triggers. Once you understand what ticks you off in a discussion, you’ll be able to minimize that trigger’s effect on you, or at least accept it so that you can push emotion aside in favor of a calm and healthy discussion rather than a conflict.
Try Visualization Techniques
If you know you have a big negotiation coming up, or you want to instigate a change that you think will be contested by workmates or family members, it can help you remain calm at the moment of discussion if you’ve first visualized the talk going well. This might sound a bit hocus-pocus if you haven’t tried visualization before, so if you want, don’t think of it as a visualization and instead think of it as intensive planning or a detailed pep-talk for yourself.
Sit in a relaxed and comfortable position, breathe deeply and evenly, and go through your upcoming negotiation step by step in your mind. Anticipate difficult arguments and take the time to visualize your calm rebuttal of those arguments so that your negotiation comes to a happy ending. Doing this beforehand will take away some of the nerves or negative self-talk you might have when it comes to having the discussion in real life.
Listen Carefully
One of the biggest pitfalls a discussion can have is when one or both parties aren’t listening carefully. Sure, you might be hearing all of the words that come out of the other person’s mouth, but are you really listening? What is the other person’s motive? Even if it’s been spelled it out for you, you need to understand the true goal. What is the resolution the other person is aiming for? Listen and determine what you can do to help the other person reach his or her goal without compromising your own. You’ll only be able to determine these things if you are carefully listening. The act of listening to the other party will help you keep your cool and stop you from overreacting or otherwise blowing the deal. Additionally, people who feel that they are being listened to will be more likely to compromise or to help you attain your own goals.
About the Author: Brigitte Sunderland has been a mediator for business and government bodies for years and is currently working toward a Ph.D. in counseling.
